Friday, February 8, 2013
Hey courageous, brilliant friends!
So, hopefully by now you’ve picked up your copy of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. My hope is that these blog discussions will be a safe place to explore the concepts presented in the book.
Keep in mind, we are discussing vulnerability and shame. These topics can obviously bring up a lot of emotion (and vulnerability and shame, of course) so I would ask that you please keep your comments here thoughtful and supportive. I honestly don’t know how this is going to go, but I’m game to play with it and hope you are too!
For these blog discussions, I will assume you’ve read the chapter/section and will post a few questions for discussion. Feel free to contribute as much or as little as you like, but I hope you will chime in with your own story/insight from diving into these concepts with yourself.
In the section What it Means to Dare Greatly (before the Introduction), this really stood out to me as a theme of all of Brene’s work as I have experienced it:
Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. (p. 2)
Questions for discussion
1) On page 9, there are ten “guideposts” for Whole-hearted living, as she defines it. What do you think of this list? If you were to assess yourself and your life right now, how much are you living with your whole heart? What areas do you struggle with the most? I wonder how this might evolve and change as we work through the book. (I’ll start the discussion by posting my answer in the comments below).
2) She mentions on page 11 that living from a place of worthiness does not “just happen” but rather is cultivated when we understand the guideposts (p. 9) as choices and daily practices. Do you practice actions daily or regularly that cultivate a belief in your own worthiness? Would you share what that is? (self-care practices, healthy boundaries, communicating your needs to others…)
That seems like a good place to start. Next Friday, we’ll look at Chapter 1: Scarcity: Looking Inside Our Culture of “Never Enough.”
Enjoy, and I look forward to your feedback below!
Brandie
Here’s a reminder of our reading schedule, in case you need it:
Introduction: My Adventures in the Arena: blog discussion – Friday, Feb. 8th
Chapter 1: Scarcity: Looking Inside Our Culture of “Never Enough”: blog discussion – Friday, Feb. 15th
February Connection: Friday, Feb 22nd 10 – 11am (subject to change, I’ll keep you posted!)
Chapter 2: Debunking the Vulnerability Myths: blog discussion – Friday, March 1st
Chapter 3: Understanding and Combating Shame: blog discussion – Friday, March 15th
March Connection: Friday, March 22nd 10 – 11am
Chapter 4: The Vulnerability Armory: blog discussion – Friday, March 29th
Chapter 5: Mind the Gap: Cultivating Change and Closing the Disengagement Divide: blog discussion – Friday, April 5th
April Connection: Friday, April 12th 10 – 11am
Chapter 6: Disruptive Engagement: Daring to Rehumanize Education and Work: blog discussion – Friday, April 19th
Chapter 7: Wholehearted Parenting: Daring to Be the Adults We Want Our Children to Be: blog discussion – Friday, May 3rd
Completion Connection: Friday, May 10th 10 – 11am
Brene Brown’s videos including TED talks and more: http://www.brenebrown.com/videos/
1) Okay, so while I practice all of these “guideposts” listed in her book, I definitely struggle with Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism as well as Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”….especially now as a Registered Nurse. I am currently in a process of discerning whether I should go work for a hospital for a period of time to gain experience, yet I feel called to work in an integrative environment (that I have yet to find) to use my coaching skills to support patients in making lifestyle changes, as well as using stress management and holistic nutrition as interventions.
Lately, I am practicing more vulnerability by putting myself “out there” (like with this book study) and spending much less energy worrying about pleasing everyone and having it all look “perfect” (whatever that means- it always seems to be just out of my grasp!). Ella really helps me with this!
2) I have been trading massage with another therapist who is helping me reconnect to my core and work through some of the tension and adhesions from pregnancy and my c-section last summer. Mark and I have been working on sharing our vulnerabilities and communicating clearly with each other about our fears and needs in our relationship. I see this a way of practicing worthiness because we are both saying we are worthy of being treated with respect and compassion, and we are worthy of creating the relationship and family life we both deeply desire. As we make this part of our lifestyle together, we are reinforcing our worthiness to ourselves and each other (and hopefully modeling a healthy relationship to Ella). Does that make sense?
Ok, I had this all typed up beautifully and articulately on my phone while nursing Char and she did a backswipe and it took me back to Facebook. Letting go of expectation, frustration, and perfectionism…attempt number two…
Firstly, Brandie YES motherhood definitely helps with accepting imperfection – otherwise I don’t think any of us would survive! Letting go of the perfectly clean house and the perfectly spit-up free outfit (for me, anyway)…and on an even deeper level, letting go of the need to be perfectly in control of yourself. I’m so much more compassionate and forgiving of myself in my role as a mother, it’s amazing. I’m allowing myself to be present with emotions and frustrations, and cutting myself slack because it’s totally exhausting! And yes, it makes sense that your relationship is a reinforcement of the self worth/worthiness you are practicing.
1.) Alright, honestly I had to read and reread the list of Guideposts – some of the concepts seemed really foreign to me, most likely because of the tendency to gravitate to the opposite pole. (Living IN NEED OF control, with high anxiety, perfectionism, self-doubt, self-criticism, the need for certainty, etc.) I’m actually reading this book alongside a book my therapist is having me read, called Healing Your Emotional Self. Both books baffle me at this point, but it’s only the beginning. Lately, I struggle with Cultivating Calm and Stillness, but what new mother doesn’t? Even before Charlotte was born, I had a hard time relaxing and embracing stillness. I’ve thrived on drama and lived with a steady flow of cortisol and adrenaline for a long time. I’m not very good at sitting still with my thoughts and being in my body, so calm is a really scary place for me to be. I guess it became pretty clear while reading so far that I still struggle with a lot of (read: ALL) the key points of living wholeheartedly to some degree, but I’m pleased to say that I’m more of a work in progress than I thought. (In that I’m reading the books and entering into reflection and discussion – something I wouldn’t have done before.) My pregnancy was such a turning point in my life, and was so beautifully orchestrated. It encouraged so much growth in me at a time when I desperately needed it. Rejoining community, engaging in honest conversations, and embracing integrity have all certainly proven helpful lately. I’m learning how to put my real self out there, and I think Charlotte has helped me to become more genuine in that respect. Outside of my role as a mother I tend to struggle more with being myself, since I’m kind of still figuring out who that is.
I guess going back to LM, having open dialogues, committing to reading/learning/accepting, allowing myself to be present with my uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, and living genuinely with the daily challenges of single motherhood have all really helped me open my mind to a different way of doing things. A much more open and vulnerable way of doing things. So here we are.
2.) I can already tell that this book and the accompanying discussion is going to stretch me in that I’m cringing every time I read the word ‘worthiness’ and it’s only the Intro! I guess that word triggers a lot of things in me, like my own judgements of myself and feelings of being a bad person who isn’t worthy of love, which are a bunch of the thoughts that have kept me pretty stuck over the years. My current fears of inadequacy and doubts of my worthiness to be a mother are also overwhelming, so there’s that. I think that it will definitely be interesting and healing to press forward with reading and discussing such ‘big’ topics like worthiness and shame. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to earn my worth instead of allowing it to come from my own approval. Lately, I’m really trying to engage in a practice of being enough – I’m letting myself be worthy of conversation and community, worthy of love, worthy of rest, worthy of nourishing my body, and even worthy of nurturing and gentle touch. It’s really difficult, and sometimes I still feel guilty for indulging in something as simple as self care! I’m really hoping and striving to demonstrate how to be Well (mind, body, and spirit) and live…better, for lack of a better word, for Charlotte. I don’t know if this made much sense, and I know I missed some things from my “first draft.”
Cara, I’m so glad you’re in this discussion. You are very articulate and your words and thoughts make total sense (to me). You’re amazing and your willingness to learn and grow (um, at such a young age I might add) is so admirable. Thank you.
Brandie, Thank you for pushing me to get my butt in gear and start reading this book. I was actually discussing the intro with hubby during our kids entire nap time today.
About accepting imperfection as a mother, yes so true. I laughed this morning as we were “those parents” that as kids we laughed at; wearing sneakers because they are comfy, old faded holy jeans because I like them, and having last showered at least 2 days ago, BUT who cares, I’m happy, my kids are fed, and we have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. I find this place the MOST comfortable these days. Anything that I do for the sake, benefit or well being of my kids I find quite easy (or at least easier than anything else) to be Authentic, resilient, intuitive, playful and meaningful. It’s when situations, people, things arise that aren’t specifically and currently about my kids that I start to waver. I definitely feel like having kids makes us better people in the long run, and sometimes crazy horrible people in specific moments. We are acutely aware of our values, and beliefs as we discuss what we want to impart to these creatures, which I love.
Interestingly, I’ve never been a person that feels comfortable in groups. Or I should say I never really feel part of the group. In any group The into part of this book made me wonder if this is my own lack of feeling worthy of the love and acceptance of the group.
1) In some ways I think I’m doing ok on these guideposts, and in other ways I don’t even understand some of them. I’ve been struggling a lot this past year to find my place in this new home, which brings about a lot of struggles with authenticity. Sometimes being authentic feels like a rebellious act and often a deal breaker to belonging, but I know that it is a necessary part of honest and true connection. I CAN be authentic, but I struggle with letting go of what people think. Practicing an attitude of gratitude feels like it has a lot of untapped potential in my life. I think I also struggle a lot with Letting go of comparison and self doubt/failure.
2) Daily Practices: hmmmmm.. Lately I’ve been prioritizing getting out and going for a walk as many days as possible at 8am. This helps me get some exercise, get some sunshine and time to reflect. I think my next goal will be to leave my phone behind when I do this. I make a point to have dinner with my hubby every night after the kids go to bed and we talk about our days, our kids and now our new parenting course. On Friday’s and Sat&Sun evenings I have a bath with my daughter and spend quality mommy time just playing and being silly. —- I’m still absorbing the ideas that Brene Brown presents here in terms of self love and following the guideposts being an investment in believing in my own self worth. I hadn’t thought about it that way before. I’m trying to connect them.
I hope this is coherent.Thank you
Cynthia, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I love picturing you and your family at the zoo in your jeans and sneakers with big smiles on your faces!
Your comment about being authentic and that being a ‘deal-breaker’ to belonging rings true to me. Brene Brown talked about this in her parenting talk on Tuesday, and Mark and I have been talking about how we want our home to be a place where we all feel like we always belong- a place where we can be our goofy-ass selves. I think that is something we have to commit to and practice, because we’ve all had those experiences where we’ve put ourselves out there (vulnerable) and gotten shot down, ridiculed, criticized, etc. That’s where I think BB’s message that it’s not the critic who counts (including our own inner critic especially) but it’s the fact that we get in there, and give life a shot- we’re willing to show up and be who we are, recognizing that it might be really awkward sometimes. She had this quote from Almost Famous at the end of her talk Tuesday:
“The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”
Ha!
Ok, I have to tell you what happened last week in my neighborhood. This story ties into guidepost #10- “cultivating laughter, song, and dance, letting go of being cool and always on control.” There’s a MAIN road that runs through the entire neighborhood, everyone HAS to drive on it at one point or another to get in/out. There is a woman, headphones on, usually in sweats, who is dancing her a** off up and down this street every morning. I’m not talking about trained, music video or movie dancing…she reminded me of “Elaine on Seinfeld” type dancing…jerky, non-rhythmic, moving to music only she can hear on her headphones. She is in her own world, sometimes smiling, sometimes not (I assume it must depend on what she’s listening to at that particular moment) but always with NO shame, NO embarrassment, no regard for who’s watching or what people are thinking.
Well, someone decides to post on the neighborhood FB page a “shout out” to the “dancing lady” with a comment about how WONDERFUL she is! Well, she ended up getting about 100 comments saying things like, “inspirational,” “you make me smile,” “I wish I had your courage” on and on!! Apparently a local news reporter lives here and now wants to do a story about her!
Someone asked her why she chooses to “dance/walk” She replied that she was sick for a very long time, and once she was able to exercise, she decided to “make the most of it, enjoy myself completely and I didn’t care if people though I was weird or crazy!”
She is an amazing example of putting yourself “out there” and guess what, there was not one negative comment! People are even talking about starting a walking club with her!
I see from this woman that in doing what brings her so much joy, she has spread her happiness to so many others. I want to be joyful like that!
AWESOME STORY!!!
LOVE it!!!!
Thank you for this discussion forum and such a wonderful book to engage in, Brandie! I am so excited for a forum to connect and discuss over issues and vulnerability. Since leaving Houston I have yet to find that group of people to connect with that I had so much of there. I have a small group here, but nothing has so far compared to LM or women’s group. I love this book and love BB’s lectures and other books as well. How awesome to have in this world!
I have read the book before a few months ago, but wanted to refresh my memory and re-read it for this group and finally found my copy again today
I have formatted this to include the questions, just because I find it so much easier to engage that way:
1.) On page 9, there are ten “guideposts” for Whole-hearted living, as she defines it. What do you think of this list? If you were to assess yourself and your life right now, how much are you living with your whole heart? What areas do you struggle with the most?
For the “guideposts” I instantly found that I struggle the most with #1 and #4. Authenticity and letting go of what people think can be really, hard for me. I struggle with it at work quite a bit because I am in a busy clinic and I am always concerned about what people will think when I have to make them wait. I also am way too caught up with what my co-workers think of me and trying to do everything “right”. This will be a great time for me to practice letting go of that. I also need to cultivate gratitude and joy. I have been exploring a lot of my own fears as part of my work with a book called, “May Cause Miracles”; so far I highly recommend it. I have such a fear of scarcity that has been with me through childhood. My parents’ biggest fights were always about lack of money, and since my dad was an artist the money would run out quite a bit. I remember being scared a lot that we would not have food. And sometimes, quite honestly, we did not. We would also run out of electricity and water quite a bit and now, even though I hold a good job, I would feel more secure with more savings but I know that this “security” is just an illusion. I have SUCH a fear of scarcity.
2) She mentions on page 11 that living from a place of worthiness does not “just happen” but rather is cultivated when we understand the guideposts (p. 9) as choices and daily practices. Do you practice actions daily or regularly that cultivate a belief in your own worthiness? Would you share what that is? (self-care practices, healthy boundaries, communicating your needs to others…)
I practice taking time each day for myself to meditate and read the Bible. I practice taking time weekly to meet with my family and church and small group, and I practice loving myself by exercising regularly and choosing healthy and nourishing food to put in my body. I also practice gratitude with a journal of what I am grateful for. And yet, as I reflect on the guide posts and whole hearted living, I realize that I spend a lot of time and energy “doing” rather than “letting go”. This is an “aha” moment for me. I am going to stop now and let that sink in.